FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE
by Sleepingkit
Summary: The gang's back, rising from the failure of the 'Coon and Friends', and now are the FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE! They wish to do better as a team, and fight against those who are criminals. Will they prosper or fall once again?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N_:_ My friend and I thought of the concept, I replaced the characters with the South Park characters. Enjoy! (Note, I'm not trying to be racist in this).  
_

* * *

_**Episode One: Grocery Thugs**_

* * *

_Where criminals attempt to break the law, the FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE will be there! Where danger calls and dames scream, the FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE will be there! Remember citizens of South Park, Colorado, you are never alone. We, children of the future, of your and our future, will stand at your side in honor of protecting your worthless lives. Because we do not care, really for your health or the benefit of doing good deeds. We only care about ourselves, not your crack babies or how pathetic-_

"Cartman!" Kyle shouted, slamming down the piece of paper. "What the hell is this crap?"

"Why Kahl, it's our article proclaiming our existence of being the town's newest team, of assisting the law force." Eric answered innocently, clasping his hands together. "Is something the matter?"

"Yes it is! You're purposely advertising us the wrong way! You make it sound as if we are selfish and we're insulting our fellow people! Stan! Read it for yourself!"

As the redhead bickered at the brunette, who couldn't give a damn, Stan received the shoved paper and began reading it. The gang: Eric, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny were inside Marsh's bedroom.

They were momentarily working on how to show themselves to the world, in a more proper fashion. The first time they did, it was The Coon and Friends. They were only in 4th grade then, now they're too 'big' and 'mature' for playing superheroes. Now in 5th grade, playing FBI was another story. The gang considered all the cool and kick-ass guns they could use, and how 'secretive' they could be. However, if they were to be secret, why would they writing an article? Cartman wanted to be famous like Obama, that's why. This is how it breaks down:

Kyle is the investigator. With his high knowledge of computers and excellent way of searching and figuring out problems, what better job for him is to detect? Stan's job is weaponry, which is everyone's job but he has to exceed in it. Stan has the respect of attaining their weapons from his Uncle Jimbo, and teaching his friends how to use them correctly. Kenny's position is to spy mysteriously, for you can't see his face behind that orange parka. He can slyly walk around in different disguises, accustomed to his face being hidden. For Eric, he is the persuader. This kid will manipulate you into doing anything he wants, you better not forget it.

"Fat turd!" Kyle yelled, continuing his rant.

"It's not my fault you're a koshertarian while I'm a carnivore." Cartman retaliated. "Some people just live worse than others."

"I'll rip off your head!"

"Kahl, you and I know how much Jews hate blood. So let us all settle down before you release your Jersey side."

"Uhm, Cartman?" Stan spoke up, sitting next to Kenny who was blocking their arguing out. "Kyle's right, this article isn't very legitimate for our image."

"Ah, come on! Mah article is just fine, don't you think so Kinny?"

The blond pulled down his part hood, to speak. "Yes."

"KENNY! You always agree with him!" Kyle complained angrily. Before he could say more, their radio they were using announced a robbery at the South Park Bank and Jewelry store.

"Finally, some action!" Eric got off the bed. "Armor up and follow me men!"

Armoring up, consisted of jamming silly spray, water guns, and pop snappers into their backpacks. The gang hoped to get more sensible weapons to fight against the rebellious once Stan could sneak into his uncle's tool shed. Outside Kyle, Cartman and Stan hopped on their bikes. Kenny, too poor to afford one, rode on his little sister's barbie scooter. These, were their vehicles.

"HA!" The fat one cackled. "Kinny looks like a gay wuss!"

"Fuck you." He said. "At least the scooter doesn't tip over when I put my weight on it, buttlicker."

"Guys, can we stop?" Stan groaned. "We need to get there and help before the cops still our spotlight!"

"Yeah, I don't know about ya'll, but I'm gone." With that Kyle sped of, pedaling quick. He was the fastest of the FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE. The others were behind them.

As they neared the market, a man in all black with a ski mask carrying large bags tripped. Spilling over valuable merchandise as of pearls, money, gold, silver, and such.

"Damn it!" The stranger cursed.

"Wait guys! This citizen needs our help!" Cartman stepped on the breaks, along with the blond and raven. The redhead gawked at what they were doing.

"Here you go sir," Stan smiled. "Here's your heavy bag of cash you dropped."

"And here's your shiny expensive jewelry." Kenny handed him the package.

"You also dropped some other priceless silver too." Eric handed him the bag.

The stranger blinked at the kids, shrugged and ran off. Kyle fumed.

"YOU IDIOTS! THAT WAS THE THIEF!"

"Mm?"

"Seriouslah?"

"How can you tell?"

"Gah, oh my gosh!" Kyle picked up the nearest biggest rock he could see, and chucked it at the robber's head. Perfect aim as always. The man collapsed to the ground. "There!"

"KAHL!_ I_ was suppose to do that!" Cartman spatted. "Jews just keep takin' and takin' from the white men!"

"Kids," an officer came behind them, "who in the world hit that man! He was bringing us most of the prized possessions to safety!"

The whole gang pointed their gaze at Kyle, who was blushing in embarrassment.

"...Y-you mean, he _wasn't_ a r-robber...?"

"No, of course not! Why would you think that, simply because he was wearing a ski mask?"

"..."

"Well guys, looks like Kahl's going to jail!"

Looks as if they gang will have difficulty to be heroes for their town. However, they shall prevail!

* * *

_I tried making this as close as the real show, so please tell me if I did a good job or how I could improve on it. Also please review, do you have any ideas what the gang should do for the next episodes?  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Did not notice this and don't know if you notice, but on the first episode it had 'Grocery Thugs' when the episode didn't have any mention of groceries in it! Haha sorry about it._

* * *

_**Episode Two: No Fat People  
**_

* * *

"I heard Hell's Pass is allowing famous people to visit the sick, before they die dude." Stan informed Kyle. They were discussing their new mission, which should be played out correctly this time. They've made fools of themselves on the first job, targeting the wrong person(Kyle). The two boys sat in Stan's room.

"Cool! We can give other kids hope."

"That's what I was thinking." The raven nodded. "It's a good deed to our community by visiting the ill."

"Guys! Guys!" Cartman barged through the door, bustling over to them. Kenny followed behind him. "I know what we could do!"

Stan sighed, "But we just decided we should visit the sick."

"It's humane and kind." The red head added.

"Screw that, that's gay as shit."

"How is it in _any_way, gay? We're just going to see kids who might die soon!" Kyle rolled his eyes.

"Justin Bieber." Eric murmured seriously. "He visits the sick kids. Is that what you want? To be like _Justin Bieber_?"

The gang was silent, they couldn't argue to that. Everyone in the room knew how much a fag the singer could be. Having his own perfume, emphasize perfume! They only assumed that Selena Gomez is dating him, because she must be a lesbian. Must. Even Mr. Garrison once said he love Justin's music. Thus doing something similar he has done, is not a priority.

"Crap," Stan groaned, "fine what's up Cartman?"

"I'm glad you came to senses. Here's the problem: obese people! We need to get rid of them."

Kyle blinked at him, amazed and frustrated. "_You're_ fat, fat-ass!"

"Hey! I'm big-boned."

"Forget about that for a moment," Stan said quickly, "how will getting rid of over weight people be justice?"

"Uh-duh Stan. Does America need more fatties wobbling around here? Sweating pig's balls in our races? Heck naw!"

"Yeah and, there will be more food for the rest of us." Kenny muffled through the coat.

"Ah Jesus, he convinced Kenny. And the real FBI wouldn't do that. Isn't the idea stupid?" Stan turned to his friend, but Kyle seemed to be in thought.

"No...not at all. If we get rid of fat people, then there will be more healthier people."

"Excellent, so you're on board Stan?" Cartman asked satisfied. The raven gave up. "Alright, now how should we carry this mission out?"

"I think we need to start small, let's take down McDonalds!" Kyle suggested.

"No!" The brunette yelled. "That's a holy place you shouldn't dare put a bulldozer by!"

"I agree, they got the best fries." Stan affirmed. "How about we just stop obese people from entering it?" They all settled on the suggestion.

"Ok, this is the plan.." Eric began.

**-_Next Day-_**

The gang stood against the McDonalds brick wall, watching citizens pass by in the parking lot. They felt they were actual FBI members, nonchalantly standing idle. Although people didn't know who they were. In other words, undercover.

"There," Kenny pointed to a wide woman who exited the restaurant, already eating a snack wrap.

"Ma'am what are you doing to yourself?" Kyle came up to her, shaking his head disappointingly. "You could do so much better."

"You are dragging our society down!" Stan informed. The woman glanced at them, a bit irritated to be interrupted in her lunch.

"Who are you children?"

"We are," Cartman and Kenny walked up, joining. The gang in unison held up their plastic badges and announced with puffed chests,

"The FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE!"

"...And you are bothering me...?" The woman wasn't amused, squinting her eyes. Eric slapped the snack wrap she had in her hands to the ground. "The hell, kid!"

"Miss you don't _need_ that." Stan smiled. "Go to the Olive Garden, eat a salad."

"A-are you calling me fat?" She gasped.

"No, we're only saying that if the South Park market had a sale for free Twinkies, you'd be the first one there and last one to leave." Cartman sniggered.

"Jerk!" The woman slapped him in the face with her purse, running off crying.

"Fat bitch!" He shouted. "You can't even run right with your weight jiggling all about!"

"Dude let it go..." Kyle pitched the bridge of nose.

"Let _what_ go? She let ALL of herself go!"

"Cartman!"

"I'm just sayin'!"

"Guys..." Stan exasperated.

"Have you glanced in the mirror lately? You're the biggest boy in class!"

"And you're nerdiest boy who'd never get near a vagina, but who am I to tell?"

"Guys..." The raven tried again. Kenny just watched random people going into McDonalds. A familiar man left the restaurant.

"Stan, isn't that your dad?" The blond questioned. The raven looked over and saw him.

"Stanley, what are you doing hanging around here?" Randy asked. "I got dinner, some hardcore big macs!"

"That's good and all, but we're trying to get rid of fat people."

"Ah, no fat chicks right? Know exactly what ya mean. Cya at 8." With that, he left.

"No...fat chicks?" Stan raised a brow. Kenny shrugged,

"I don't see what's wrong with fat chicks, they got the best boobs."

"Ugh, gross man." He laughed, punching him in the arm. "But that gives me an idea."

The two friends turned back to Kyle and Cartman, who were still ranting.

"GUYS!" They stopped. "My dad said something about no fat chicks. So maybe we only need to get rid of big girls?"

"Brilliant! Those girls' sweat stank more than males anyways." Eric said.

"I guess it'd be fine. But we have to do it in more softer way to express it, girls are really sensitive." Kyle noted, remembering the woman who had just recently ran off crying.

"How can we show it without saying it in their faces?" Stan asked.

"I know a way." Kenny assured.

When they went to school the next day, they were wearing white shirts that read: **No Fat Chicks!**, on them. Kenny gotten the shirts from his mom, since she's a fan of clothes like that. Explaining why she wears the shirt, _I'm with stupid_, all the time.

Obviously, that cost the FBI JUSTICE LEAGUE a 3 day detention, girls screaming at them, and a week being grounded.

* * *

_Yes I know this didn't exactly dealt with actual criminals and such where the actual FBI would work with, though I couldn't help but to make this! Also, wouldn't one say being obese is a crime to your own health and nation?  
_


End file.
